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Category : Business Relationships

Powerful Listening

Danny Coyle

Listening is an important skill, whether at home or at work. The best leaders – and the best friends – are able to listen well to those around them, including those they have power over.

I’ve been experimenting recently with listening. I am not strong in caring about people, listening to their problems, and engaging them on a deep level, especially if we do not have a strong friendship to begin with.

I am only starting to realize that I have a very hard heart, and I really don’t care that much about people. That needs to change. My listening skills are a reflection of that. I often want to turn the conversation so I can talk about my ideas, my achievements and my skills. And that is not loving to anyone (It’s really a form of hatred).

In an attempt to love more deeply, I’ve been trying to train myself to listen more deeply. To shut off my mouth, and listen to people with my heart. Clear my brain of all the tangents that it goes on when people talk, and just focus on what they are saying.

I was talking to a wife of a friend, and she was talking back about a struggle she was having. I wasn’t really deeply listening. I could sense that she was taking the conversation deeper, but since I wasn’t listening deeply, she wasn’t going to engage the conversation deeply. It was like she just stuck her toe in the water, found it was quite cold, and recoiled.

I realized that she had recoiled because I wasn’t listening to her heart. And I decided to try to listen better in the next few moments. Just as I was making that decision in my mind, her husband walked up and entered the discussion. As I looked at them talking, I tried to focus on the words they were saying, and just let them talk. I tried to ask questions that clarified the situation for me, and questions that tried to pull out the true meaning of what they were saying.

I was amazed at the depth of the conversation now taking place. The only factor I could point to that was different was my attitude in listening to them.

It is amazing the difference that listening can make.

I’ve been practicing it with my wife as well, and our conversations have gone deeper than they have ever gone before. I can’t believe how loving, powerful and simple true listening can be.

Here are some tips that I’ve found that really help to listen carefully.

Don’t let your brain run away on a tangent when someone else is talking.
Look at the other person in the eye as if you are really listening to them. Because you are listening to them. Eye contact is key.
Engage your heart. Let yourself care about what they are saying.
Do not try to fit your ideas into their words. Ask clarifying questions if needed, but don’t assume they are saying something they are not.
Be patient and let them do the talking. They will finish when they are finished. The point is not about getting your own ideas in, but about letting the other person feel loved.

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Posted in : Business Relationships, Leadership

Turning the lights on

Danny Coyle

Over the last few months, I’ve started to realize that people just don’t see how much they can impact the lives of people around them.

One of my great passions is opening people’s eyes to see their true potential. I love seeing the lights come on when you show them a horizon that is within their grasp, and then watching them reach out and take it.

A few weeks ago, I gathered our organizations leaders for a meeting. Our organization puts on events. I split them up into groups of 3, and told them to discuss two questions.

Question 1: How does my role empower the people who attend our events?

Question 2: How does my role empower the people who serve on my team?

We defined empowering as the ‘You can do it’ attitude. The attitude that helps people see that they can accomplish something bigger than themselves.

As we were discussing these questions, I could see that people in the meeting were starting to see their role in new ways. They were starting to see that they don’t just do a job, but that their job has an impact in the future trajectory of those that attend our events. It was so much fun to watch.

A few of the team members walked into the meeting thinking ‘I just do a job’ and over the course of 2 hour changed to ‘I empower people through my job.’

One of the dangerous assumptions that I made is that everyone on the team is already empowering their team and the attenders. It’s dangerous because they could easily check out of the discussion by saying ‘I don’t empower anyone.’ Thankfully, no one said that, and everyone engaged the question. Also, I had a clear idea of what our organization is supposed to do at a deep level, so I can ask engaging questions that drive us to that purpose.

We will be monitoring and reinforcing these concepts over the next few weeks/months, but I am really excited about where this is going.

Here’s a few questions you can ask yourself about the people on your team:

What can you ask your staff to consider that would show them that you see them much larger than they see themselves?
Ask your staff how they are furthering the misison of the organization, but in a non-threatening way, that clarifies what success looks like?
What does ‘turning the lights on’ mean for your organization? How do your staff see themselves right now, and how do you want them to see themselves in the future?

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Posted in : Business Relationships, Leadership

Working with your spouse

Jill Coyle

While leading a talented group of female entrepreneurs at the Women in Business conference in September, I learned that 4 of the 6 entrepreneurs on the stage (myself included) worked with their spouses.

This led to some interesting discussion as one of the panelists shared that she’d actually had to “fire” her husband and tell him to go start his own business.

Here are some of the things we female entrepreneurs shared about the joys and challenges of working with our husbands.

Some of the challenges

Work doesn’t stop.

One panelist shared that she and her husband had a difficult time leaving work at the office. They continued to discuss work over dinner, during vacation, on Saturday, etc.

Home life can spill over into work

If a husband and wife are having a “discussion” (oh, alright, let’s call it a “fight”), we often find it challenging to not let that fight affect our relationship once we’re in the office.

Personality conflict

For some business/marriage partners, working together brought out the best in them – they balanced each other perfectly, offset each other’s weaknesses, etc. For some, it was a major clash of the titans - they drove each other so crazy that they had to dissolve the partnership…or totally risk their marriage. As one woman so aptly put it, “I can be married to you – I just can’t be your business partner!”

The joys

Total trust

One great thing about being business partners with your spouse is that (most likely) you totally trust your spouse. I’ve heard so many horror-stories, especially in China, about “partners” running off and stealing the whole business. That’s a lot less likely to happen when you are married to your business partner.

Balance each other

For this group of women anyway, most of them talked about how they work so well with their spouse. One person handles the staff, the other the sales and output; their strengths go hand in hand. They’re able to build each other up – and soften some of the rough edges.

Sharing

One great thing about building a successful company with your spouse is that you do it together. It is something you accomplish together – you can put your arm around your business partner and say, “Wow, look what we are doing together!”

What about you? Do you work with your spouse (or have you done so in the past)? Share with us some of your stories.

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Posted in : Business Relationships, Entrepreneurs, Leadership

Using “face” to resolve conflict without a confrontation

Tanya Crossman

We’ve talked about “face” and “guanxi” on the Imports Oriental blog before. Both are key cultural concepts in China. There are elements of face and guanxi in all cultures, but they are expressed differently. Understanding the Chinese expressions of face and guanxi allows you to navigate situations more smoothly, and better understand the people you encounter.

Recently I saw a friend use face to resolve a situation in the simplest manner possible. He rents a warehouse space for regular events. As few others use the space his own equipment is left out from week to week – chairs, tables, heaters, etc. One week a small gas heater was missing; a quick investigation discovered that the landlord had been “borrowing” it to heat his company office during the week, and on this particular week forgot to return it.

At this point, many people (myself included) would feel a desire to send a brusque message to the landlord, along the lines of “Keep your hands of my property! I bought it and pay for the gas that it runs on!” My friend, however, asked his assistant to pass along a simple, well-worded message: “Tell the landlord that we need our heater kept in the room for our use, but if he can’t afford a heater, we will be happy to buy one for him.”

At first glance, it may seem that my friend was being too nice – offering to buy a heater for someone who was taking and using your own without permission? Why would you do that? In reality, he never intended to do so. He was subtly using the concept of “face” to encourage the landlord to do the right thing. The landlord, who owns the entire building and more besides, obviously has enough money to buy a small gas heater. If he allowed his tenants (who own quite a number) to purchase one for him, he would lose face – it would be like saying that he is too poor to buy one for himself.

Most Chinese will avoid confrontation where possible; appealing to a person’s pride (their desire to have “face”) is one way to do that. My friend used one very smart comment to resolve a potential conflict without resorting to a confrontation.

For more on “face”, see this previous post:

Face and Business Relationships in China

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Posted in : Business Relationships, Business in China

The changing role of a leader

Danny Coyle

The role of the leader

There’s so much stuff on leadership out there. Here’s another 2 cents to add to the pile.

I’m finding that my role is changing. Where I used to be the cheerleader, both cheering and leading, rallying the troops in a more public and energetic way, I’m finding that my leadership these days is more like a shepherd. I’m watching the flock for any sick sheep that might need a little more care and attention. Giving the kind word when it’s needed. Doing a lot more one-on-one, rather than the big dance in front of everyone.

As the company evolves and goes through it’s phases, I’m learning how to read the situations and respond to what our internal business needs are. It’s a lot of fun to watch our company change.

I’m sure that I’ll be back into the public and energizing role in the future, but I find that I personally enjoy the shepherd role a lot.

Have you noticed the nature of your own leadership role change over time?

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Posted in : Business Relationships, Leadership

Listening Part III: Powerful Listening

Danny Coyle

In the past two weeks Jill has shared some insights on the topic of listening (see Part 1 and Part 2 of our series on Listening). I have also been experimenting with listening lately. I am not strong in caring about people, listening to their problems, and engaging them on a deep level, especially if we do not already have a strong friendship.

I am only starting to realize that I have a very hard heart; I really don’t care that much about people. That needs to change. My listening skills are a reflection of that. I often want to turn the conversation so I can talk about my ideas, my achievements and my skills. That is not loving to anyone (it’s really a form of hatred).

I’ve been trying to train myself to listen more deeply – to shut off my mouth and instead listen to people with my heart. I try to clear my brain of all tangents and just focus on what a person is saying.

Recently, I was listening to the wife of a friend talk about a struggle she was having. I wasn’t really deeply listening. I could sense that she was taking the conversation deeper, but since I wasn’t listening deeply, she wasn’t going to engage the conversation deeply. It was like she just stuck her toe in the water, found it was quite cold, and recoiled.

I realized that the reason she recoiled was because I wasn’t listening to her heart. I decided to try to listen better in the next few moments. As I was making that decision in my mind, her husband walked up and entered the discussion. I tried to focus on the words they were saying; I just let them talk. I tried to ask questions that clarified the situation for me, and questions that tried to pull out the true meaning of what they were saying.

I was amazed at the depth of the conversation now taking place. The only factor I could point to that was different was my attitude in listening to them.

I am amazed at the difference that listening can make.

I’ve been practicing it with my wife as well, and our conversations have gone deeper. I can’t believe how loving, powerful and simple true listening can be.

Here are some tips that I’ve found that really help to listen carefully.

Don’t let your brain run away on a tangent when someone else is talking.
Look at the other person in the eye as if you are really listening to them – because you are listening to them. Eye contact is key.
Engage your heart. Let yourself care about what they are saying.
Do not try to fit your ideas into their words. Ask clarifying questions if needed, but don’t assume they are saying something they are not.
Be patient and let them do the talking. They will finish when they are finished. The point is not about getting your own ideas in, but about letting the other person feel loved.

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Posted in : Business Relationships

Listening Part II– one of the most powerful tools you can learn

Jill Coyle

(Read Part I here)

Listening is powerful. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t started to experience it for myself over the last year. I wasn’t a very good listener before – and I certainly have a long way to go. The funny thing is that learning to be a better listener has also helped me (i.e. in helping others, I’ve helped myself). I’ve overcome tensions with people, I’ve faced intimidating people more easily, I’ve helped people uncover some powerful truths about themselves (and man, it was SO exciting!). Here are a few things that I’ve seen work for me.

Helpful tips in learning to be a better listener

Actually Listen

Pretty simply, try to actually listen to what the person is saying. Don’t be thinking of the next thing you’d like to say or about where you should go for lunch – and don’t be thinking about “how can I change this to a subject I have lots to say about.” Instead, give the person your attention (don’t be doing SMS or email while he’s talking) and listen.

Engage

Very simple again – but make sure to look at the person when they’re talking. And be engaging. Don’t look bored (even if you are!). Try to look the person in the eye and give them your full attention. If you’re having a conversation with someone on the phone, make listening noises like “uh huh” or “ok” to let the person know that you are listening.

Go Deeper – Investigate & Ask Questions

Try to find out what things mean to the person. Ask questions related to the subject that they’re talking about. If it’s an industry you don’t understand, ask questions about it. If it’s a hobby that they’re enthusiastic about, find out why they love that hobby so much. Find what makes that person tick. Ask them how this (experience, relationship, business) relates to their life in general.

Attitude – It’s NOT all about me

A wise friend and mentor, Vivian Peebles, gave some great advice to me when I was going into a particularly hairy meeting where I was rather intimidated by the bigwigs that were going to be there with me. She said, “Be prepared for the meeting – and then forget about yourself. Ask about them. Ask about their business, how they got started, where they’re from, about their kids.” And you know? I found this to be such a powerful tool. Not only was I a lot less nervous about facing these people – but I found that they were much more open with me, because I was showing an interest in them.

We as human beings generally find it easy to talk about ourselves and our interests.

Ask about someone else’s, for a change – and see if it doesn’t change your life!

Share some stories on how listening has changed your life – either someone really listening to you…or you listening to someone else!

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Posted in : Business Relationships, Leadership

Listening Part I – Are you a conversation thief?

Jill Coyle

I learned something about myself a couple months ago – something I really didn’t like. Through a series of events, I learned that I like to hijack conversations. What does this mean? Finishing people’s sentences, thinking of my answer before the person is done talking, taking what the person is saying and trying to figure out how to get it onto a topic that I’m more expert in, etc. A friend (as a joke, I hope) has even offered to make me a T-shirt that says “reformed conversation hijacker.”

“Hijacking conversations” is a skill I’ve learned in business where things move at lightning speed – and finishing each other’s conversations is actually a skill. When I have been working with team leaders and we can finish each other’s sentences, this means that we’re on the same page, that we know where the other person is going, etc. It’s a great skill.

Also, time is money – right? So let’s move things along, people. If I know where the conversation is going and the person is taking FOR-E-VER getting to the point, I like to cut in (hopefully at a tactful place) and cut to the chase.

And sure, I am not trying to undermine “hijacking” as a skill. It is a skill. And completely necessary to busy managers or bosses who are trying to get things done but have dozens of people clamoring for their attention.

However, I’ve found that – especially in the relational part of business (and let’s face it: you have relationships with your staff, boss, customers, etc, whether you like it or not) – this is a detriment rather than a skill.

If you don’t believe me, go home tonight and finish your spouse’s conversation all throughout dinner and see how he/she reacts.

Probably not very positively, eh?

The people you work with – or have working under you – need for you to listen. They also need to know that you can give them space to listen. If they see you as distant and unapproachable – sure, they won’t bother you with some of their nonsense…but they probably also won’t come to you with the good ideas that are churning around in their heads.

Things you can do:

Don’t squash people’s ideas.
Have more patience.
Listen just a bit longer – there might be a diamond in the rough.

So there is a time and a place for “hijacking” – but I’m convinced we’re all pretty good at this. I think many of us need to focus more on LISTENING.

In Part II, we’ll talk about a couple tips to being a Better Listener.

What about you? Do you feel like your boss listens to you? Do you think listening is a problem at your work place? Any tips on being a good listener?

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Posted in : Business Relationships, Leadership

The 2 Kinds of “Yes”

Danny Coyle

I recently found myself in a position where I need to make a quick decision to suspend operations in a department. I spoke with some of my mentors about it, and they said it was a good idea. I was not in a place to have a physical meeting with my top leaders, so I sent them an e-mail detailing the decision that needed to be made.

We all decided to suspend the operation for the time-being and go ahead with the plan. With the decision made and plans moving forward, I was surprised when two of my top leaders came to me later. They asked questions indicating insecurity regarding the decision we had made together.

I then realized I had not received the “yes” I had expected.

When leading a team, beware of the 2 kinds of “yes”.

Before I describe the two kinds of “yes”, there are two components to engaging a team of leaders in a decision. These components are Heart and Mind.

When making key decisions, your team needs to say “yes” with their minds. They need to think through all the positive and negative outcomes of the decision, along with resource consumption, potential output, etc. Those questions must be asked and answered in a rational way. A good decision will not be made without engaging the Mind.

You also need to engage the Heart. Your team needs to feel that the rational decision is the best one – to have that “gut feeling” that what is logical is also right overall. Even if your team has thought through the plan and engaged with the Mind, unless they also engage with the Heart, they will be prone to uncertainty. When you can engage their hearts beforehand, a new venture has a much better chance at success.

That said, here are the 2 kinds of yes.

The ‘We are with you’ Yes

Sometimes a leader connects with his team in a way that brings the team on board 100%. The team is behind the leader, supporting the new direction, convinced that it is the best way forward. This happens when the leader engages both the Minds and Hearts of the team. When a team is engaged like this, they are willing to fight to bring about the vision; they will jump through rings of fire to make it happen.

The ‘No one will get killed’ yes

Sometimes a team will go along with new direction while remaining unconvinced that it is the best way forward. They say “yes,” but what they really mean is “not no”. This happens when the leader fails to engage his team on a Heart level; the decision making is happening on a purely Mind level. The team can’t find a logical reason to say “no,” can’t find anything to say that will dissuade the strong leader from going forward with the plan. Team members not engaged on a Heart level are not sold on the decision they have made. Later, when facing the consequences of the decision, they will not strongly support the new direction, and may try to wiggle out of their part in it.

The second type of yes happens when the leader does not do a good job of engaging his team and winning their hearts for the decision. This lack is compounded when the leader doesn’t stop to check whether the team is engaged during the decision-making process. The team may be saying yes on a practical level, without it ever being a whole-hearted, “we are with you!” sort of yes. A good decision is of course a rational decision, but the heart is a critical component of the “yes” you need from your team. They must be fully engaged both in Mind and Heart in order for a new venture to fully succeed.

Most of the time, people don’t have the vocabulary or courage to explain that a leader has not engaged their hearts. It is up to the leader to determine if the heart of the team is engaged or not. This is a challenging task, and worthy of another post.

In my case, the decision to temporarily shut down the operation in question for a time was the right decision, and we reaped the rewards for this decision. I learned a valuable lesson without paying a big price in negative consequences – dodged a bullet with that one! On the other hand, I missed an opportunity to engage the hearts of my team. If I were to do it again, I would give more scrutiny to the position of their hearts before making, and moving forward with, the decision.

Next time we make a big decision like this, I know that I’ll be looking for them to say yes with their not only minds, but with their hearts as well.

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Posted in : Business Relationships, Leadership

Perspectives on Guanxi

Tanya Crossman

China Law Blog is one of the top China business blogs around. They just started a new series, “How We Really Feel About China,” which looks like a good place to start reading if you’re not a subscriber already. Part one is about Guanxi; it’s a practical, realistic look at how guanxi does (doesn’t) work for foreigners.

Guanxi is developed with individuals, not organizations; when the individual is no longer involved, guanxi is no longer a protection against problems.

Our position is essentially that for the overwhelming majority of foreign companies doing business in China, guanxi is no substitute for needing to scrupulously abide by China’s laws.

A list of points elaborating on this is given, and then quotes from several other leading China business blogs backing up this understanding of guanxi.

No foreigner can recreate a Chinese-style guanxi network

Connections with local government officials are short-term and can be abruptly terminated.

The Chinese provider of guanxi may suddenly disappear.

A project based on guanxi gives too much power to the Chinese side of the deal.

The article is well worth reading for the discussion and quotes, different perspective on the same issue, but here’s the bottom line on guanxi from CLB:

It takes time to cultivate.

It is not a substitute for good business sense.

It does not make a bad business deal a good one.

It should not be used as a way to skirt the law.

It makes sense to have good relationships with people in China, just as it makes sense to have good relationships with people everywhere.

Guanxi does sometimes make things go more smoothly.

None of us have any real clue as to whether guanxi should or should not be capitalized when written in English.

Most who claim to have serious guanxi do not.

An even greater percentage of foreigners who claim to have serious guanxi do not.

The value of guanxi varies from industry to industry. For instance, I understand that guanxi is critical to the media business in China and to securing government contracts; it is of virtually no importance in getting your trademark or WFOE registered in China.

Imports Oriental Blog

Category : Business Relationships

Powerful Listening

Turning the lights on

Working with your spouse

Using “face” to resolve conflict without a confrontation

The changing role of a leader

Listening Part III: Powerful Listening

Listening Part II– one of the most powerful tools you can learn

Listening Part I – Are you a conversation thief?

The 2 Kinds of “Yes”

Perspectives on Guanxi

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